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scream out loud archives
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Sunday, July 26, 2009
Just feel like blogging today...Well today ...i gt the laptop bck...super happy ..it been a whole wk since i chat ...
I been at hm the whole day during the weekend....my frens ask me out to study and stuff but i kinda lazy,..gosh weekends past so fast....
oh yah..on friday i went badminton with the my classmates TG...it been so long since i played badminton...at least my racket still can be used ..i have that racket since primary 3 if i nt wrong...
I tot i was bad...until i seen Is played hahaha..well i went hm with Des since he is going the same way as me...
Well..today is the countdown to....26 August ....the day before my o-level oral , my girlfren , IDah andmy good friend .Syxxx birthdays ..suay sia ..both same date...
Signing out
Zslim
Monday, July 20, 2009
Hurt , sad , depressed , lonely, hatred , angry
This are words i been feeling lately
I have frens ...why do i feel lonely
I have a family who cares for me..Why do i feel sad
I have everything ....why do i feel depressed
Wht happening to me? I hate myself , why do i hate sch ..i used to love it , Why am i sensitive..i used to care less abt the jokes ..i even laugh...Why do i feel tired and worn-out...i used to happy go-lucky...Why am i not satisfied everything i do...i used to easily be happy even it is small...Why do i come to sch late..i rarely late for sch...Why am i easily agitated and impatient...Why do i go home late ...i usually come home before 7pm.. Why i always lose friendship . Why am i a quiet person..I used to talk alot...i a terrible fren
HAte my new self... Where did my confidence gone too..Why am i demoralising myself
I wish it never happen , i wish life can just pause for a moment ..i wish i can talk to someone i trust but my parents ...they stress enough..my frens..sigh..they never take me seriously , wht the used only get myself more hurt..my teachers ...neh ...i feel so lonely..there nobody i can talk to...neway ..we died alone that the fact
.I wish i was still me..i don;t know who am i now??
Signing Out
tired of life
Zslim
Getting better
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
GEtting BetterWell as the heading says it all..
yesterday night...at last i can sleep normally...from 9pm till next morning..feeling so fresh..
I never gonne take for granted sleeping and my happy -go lucky feeling..
But found out..while i was sleeping , my family when out...damn ar ...leave me sia..nvm ...i force myself in bed from 8pm ...it works actually what Ju and Aminah said..if u think too much..just write it down at a piece of paper .if u can't find someone to talk too..it really works :)))I feel so lot better
well , sch wasn't that bad i guess.. the usual , Fuzah keep saying are u a girl or not, stop doing this ..can u be a girl and stuff, dayah asking me to shut up as i was talkative .hehehe , erah being sarcastic as always...Mai too...plus laughters too
hmm..i just realise smth ...is this little stuff that made your day...kinda miss them teasing me during the sch holidays...strangely
Shit man ...tmr my line of HP will be cut off.plus my acer laptop crash ..maybe its good i guess...well wht the used of having a Hp when nobody even sms or call u rite??? and making u anxious and bored ..when nobody calls /sms u, like it used to be...miss it but ppl change and busy with their own life..cn;t blame anyone except yourself for not having one..
Let me see the brighter side of not having a a line temporary:
1) Don't be anxious or sad when nobody call/sms u
2)Save money
3)I won't disturbing anybody during their sleep or stuff ..cause i can't
4) No one disturbing ...can get ready for O-level and some small test for ITI , DtG and Ctr
5)Well, lastly ...hmm...i'm incontactable..which i want to experiment a long time ago...just imagine before there was no HP during olden days...i wonder how they survive before pager and telephone was introduced
That is all i can think of..
Till then ,
Signing Out
Recovering Zslim
Changes
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
ChangesToday , myprevious maid is sent home due to problems ...got a new maid...kinda miss her ...and she knows where and what i normally wants...starting afresh
Yesterday night , i didn't sleep at all ...crying silently and ..
wanted to talk to someone to forget my sadness but instead the person made me more hurt..maybe his has his own problems or tired or busy as always ..understood...next morning eyes swollen...damn ar..super tired and stoning ...feeling depressed ..and empty
Wanted to talk to my mum or dad...but they were stress with their own problems
Wanted to talk to Fuzah , Mai and Dayah at first but i kinda dn't feel like it....at last talk to Syaz , Ju and Aminah...who made my day..aminah talking dirty stuff...made me laugh ..feel much better..Ju helping me cope the emptyness..she said this feelings are normal during this age was..growing process..made me much better and talked abt her experience...syaz supporting my emptyness...hate changes ..thks guys :))
Lunch was quiet ...nobody ate anything..just drinks..and super sleepy during the last class ..just copying the mind maps
Till then , Signing Out
Zslim
Great day In Science Centre
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Great Day In Science CentreOkay I know , you might be thinking what the heck i doing at Science centre on a Saturday ...well it was Family Day and my mum paid alr. It Was a pretty awesome fun day actually even though my siblings can be annoying sometimes..but love them ...hehehe ..
First , We went to the DA Vinci Exibition ....kinda interesting to me and boring for my two sisters who was like impatient to get out ...( buat perangai) but i kinda solve it by giving them popcorn all the way even no eating is allow...but kinda embarrassing when they touch the things that not suppose to be touch or saying out loud ....neway wanted to take pictures in the exhibition but was not allowed .. rules are rules ...
Things i learn:
DaVinci is a great person..even though he is a illegitimate child ...he was the first who can come out theories like making submarine , robots, war tank , analogy of the human body so precise ,etc.and ..paint the Mona Lisa ..i got to see the famous Painting ...kinda cool to me plus learn the 25 secrets of the Mona Lisa. One of the ways of DaVinci to paint a painting is to use this closure room full of mirrors where he can see the best angle to paint for the thing he wanted to paint....Me and siblings went in ....wish i got that room...can see my back , front and every angle of my body...that was the first time i really see myself so clearly...
Since we can't took any pic , i and my sis ( Ifa Adilah) took pics of our face and put as Mona Lisa ..but need to pay but kinda worth it i guess.for memories ...then had lunch at Macdonald , went several exhibitions such as Water Works plus teach Ifa Adilah how babies are formed and used the electric chair..
..can u believe it we spent almost the whole day in there ..super fun ...Here are some of the pics at Science Centre ..I'll stop talking ...neway photos tell a thousand words..hahha ..don't miss out IFA MONA LISA ...like real hahaha
Neway...the moment has arrived ... harry potter and the half -blood prince..I so wanne Watch it at the movies...which reminds me ..it been a long time since i went out with you..miss the fun and unforgetful places with you, miss having a chat with you...miss having a call from you when night time comes..and smses during the day..miss your company ....damn i can't stop thinking abt you...
Signing out
Zslim
till next time
Thursday, July 9, 2009
REstLEss DaysIt been days since i had a good rest...i think its insonmia ..kinda boring in the night when everybody asleep except you...i will in bed turning here and there ...read a book until i realise the next day i fallen asleep or think about any topic until i can't sleep but still feel tired and impatient in class.
Maybe i think too much in the night. Some nights like yesterday night i will be thinking about why did i do that , Why did i say that, thinking who am i , Why do i feel sad but feeling empty inside, Why do i feel angry and not do anything...Why was i blur When the whole class called my name in ITI lesson?? Who am I...Why do i feel like an empty shell with no feeling?? Why did i say that to dayah or my mum or fuzah or mai or syaz, my bro , my sisters or call Syxxxx for no reason ...Why did i Watch that show rather than study ??
Why? WHY ? WHy?
Maybe this what they called self-reflection but it makes me so tired of thinking the whole night
:(( wish i can stop it....Even i feel like a empty person With neutral feelings , life must go on...its 8 :40 am now...time to do the normal routine and go to sch ...even if u feel nothing , u got to act it out...putting a fake smile mask ...
Signing out
Confuse Zslim
8:43am
9 July 2oo9
Changing My Label
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Changing My LAbelOne mean insult can make you feel it defines you. But how you see yourself is totally up to you.
Stupid , irritating , skinny , shut up . That was some of the names friends of mind called me in schools . I now don't even care antmore..it neutral..but after my mum said indirectly i am stupid still hurts me but not that severe. I spent years trying to become a normal size or fat..till now insucessful..some may think i so lucky eating as much as i like and not be fat...infact i very self-concious ...hate being stupid , slow and skinny to be truthful.
At some point do you feel we all end up on the receiving end of an awful insult? It doesn't matter if its a joke but it can taunt others in a way of evading the mind of the victim , so as we look in the mirror , it's holding a magnifying glass to our inperfections and that all we see...nothing else.
Sadly , as we grow older , we stick to our labels ..where the damage has done that often defines us. You might not realise it, but these labels stop us from what we really wanne do. Maybe you act shy in class . or timid or scared to talk as you afraid ( low self esteem)
When you internalised the label, it hurts yourself and your mind. From today onwards , stop letting lable yourself for who you are and come up with ones that represent you. The next time you find yourself not saying what you really want to say or avoiding because you still feel like a girl/ boy who isn't perfect enough , realise that you can choose Who you wanne be anyday , anytime. :))
Dedicated esp to my friend: Siti HAwa....stop thinking your fat which your are not just because i am skinny doesn't mean you have to be one to feel good..the more you say your fat at me..the more i feel hurt about myself ....fyi: i been eating alot lately ..depressed of what you said ...and tired of ppl saying i stupid ...so What I in ITE noW Azmira ...:thks for all the hurtful worda u said to me ...never forget it ..so Wht you in JC now..big deal..i'll catch up with you..u'll see i'll be much much better than you....how dare you ask me to go to hell and insulted my family...thks so much because i officially hate ppl esp and don't trust ppl easily anymore
Signing out
Zslim
7:57pm 8 July 2009
Afternoon ...Passing the time
AFterNoon ...Passing The tIMeWell..here i am making myself busy ...just got back from sch one hour plus ago...sch was okey..nt that exciting which it used to be..,,hahaha..just remember the part dayah accidentally put hairclip and press onto my xxxx...hahaha..kinda of like a payback since i also "accidentally "did it to her...hehehe ...plus fuzah, mai and dayah getting violent...i got one from the head , my arm in the toilet twice .. hair pulling..hehehe to be exact i was kinda violent to Erah...accidentally hit her eyes with my elbow, step her foot thrice, my bag hit her face...nt bad for a skinny person like me
Neway...yesterday I got my DTG Common test one paper....I got 100% full mark ...yeah with Mai also...hahaha..study together of course get same mark...Actually wasn't that surprised i got 100% ...the teacher inform me earlier hehehe.... i am not competitive person infact but ....i bet with someone ( Syxxxx) that made me more motivated...i bet that person forget all abt that bet...but i dnt mind...the main point Me ....can't believe me got full marks ...its not always i get full mark in a test ..for other and my parents is nothing ,,,don't even care ( so wht a test only wht..not 0-level or going higher nitec??) for me this is the first time i got first ...even its small..it made me feel better after the big failure on my o-level.... Hope to do well for the upcoming test..gosh i was learning CTR just now...the test this FRIDAY...hope i do well :)) all this small fry tests ..add up in GPA
I love the NIPS chocolate ...been eating since sch started..damn, dn't tell me i getting addicted ....last time was Tongkat Ali coffee ( to be exact my father 3 IN I ) .. How i got addicted..here the story..i was about to make NEscafe coffee for my dad ....then he introduce to me The Tongkat Ali..so i add the powder and add hot Water..that when the smell of the coffee Was super attractive...like caramel plus abit of chocolate...cn't really describe it..but since that vey day...i been drinking it secrectly plus difficulty of sleeping...like zombie plus very impatient ( hyper active)
So that the End....omg...i talk too much..maybe i'am really that bored..oh well then ..till next time.....
Signing Out
Zslim:)
6:55pm 8july 2009
Explore , Experience & Nature
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Explore , Experience & Nature1-3 July
Desaru Leadership Camp
Those three days were awesome....especially where we live and the food was delicious(buffet and the sitting arrangements like a malay wedding
Nature- We live near the beach...at night ( u can hear the waves ) in the morning ( the sunset)
Experience- Learn how to cook at the outdoor ( make ur own fire) , Making new frens like CT, sheril , Jasmine, Nisa , ancherle , Ayu , Amira ,Nisa....etc , Learn to be independent ( walking in the woods alone in the dark) .....i almost pee in my pants ...cn't believe a scarycat as me did it.....but i kinda cheated ( i call my mum half way thru) after hearing scary noises and not forgetting kayaking in a boat with Ezat and disturbing Amira and Nisa...hahaha
Explore- Leading my team ( Jasmine , Izzati , Hafizah and Ezat) in activites and be responsible , learn abt teamwork When the jungle trekking ( we have to bulid a path to cross the stream) , know more abt chocolates , honey , fruits we eat ( We went Chocolate Factory and Desaru Fruit Farm)....